Wanderings of my Mind

There are so many things I want to write about tonight, I'm not sure even where to begin...or what I'm going to focus on, or what I should title this.  Sorry...my thoughts are really scattered tonight.  I know somehow this all is connected, I just don't know if you'll be able to follow the giant leaps my mind is making....

David and I took a walk tonight *alone* - one of the perks of having grandparents here to visit.  I decided we really need to get a nanny :)  or at least someone to watch the kids once in a while so we can have a little "date."  It's a big stress relief to be able to just leave the house and spend a little time together.  We're trying to pray for direction on how we could work this out...who would be able to come for an hour, who would we trust....???

Anyway, the walk was great.  There's something about looking up at the palm trees under the stars.  It's magnificent.  But in the background there's the beat-beat-beat of the drums, they've been going constantly for about the past 2 days and nights.  It's leading up to Mardi Gras, and there've been more drums, more "rah-rah" bands playing their music and marching up and down the roads at night.  David said, "It feels like there are evil spirits at work."  There's just so much going on right now.  Both of the hospital x-ray machines are broken down at the same time, a tree falls down in the night and cuts power and internet to several houses, there's turmoil with some of the staff over pay periods.  Several days this week there were violent demonstrations in Port-au-Prince, with people blocking roads, burning tires, throwing rocks at cars..... You start to wonder how many of these problems are "normal" and how much has to do with the fact that Satan wants us to lose.  He doesn't want the hospital.  He doesn't want people to get better, to find relief for suffering.  He doesn't want them to hear about God and salvation.  He doesn't want us to get along.  He doesn't want us to have time to spend with our families.  He doesn't want us to have time to pray about these problems.

I guess tonight I'm stressing over the staff issues at the hospital.  I don't know exactly what's going on since I'm not directly involved, but it's been a tough few months here.  There was some over-staffing in the hospital, and some people had to be laid off in December.  It was really hard emotionally on everyone.  How were people going to react?  What were they going to do in a country that doesn't have many jobs available?  Things seemed to go well, considering, but there have still been some issues that have come up that make things tough.  It seems like some of these issues indicate a lack of trust, and that's hard when you felt like you were forming real relationships.

I guess I just don't know what "they" (the staff, the community, the Haitian people in general) think of us missionaries.  Do they see that we care?  Or do they just think we're rich spoiled Americans that think we know better than them?  What am I showing?  I thought that by living here and trying to learn the language, by building relationships, and giving someone a ride up the mountain, we would show that we care.  I thought that by working side by side, by shopping in their market, we would show that we don't think them or their culture inferior.  I thought by having our baby born here, by following someone through the mountain on a 20 minute walk to their house, we would show that we trust them.  And then a situation comes along and you just wonder if it's making any difference at all.  I know it shouldn't matter so much what they think of me, but I feel that someone has to know you really care before you can have a true relationship with them.

As I got home tonight, I looked up at the stars again.  They're so beautiful tonight.  It makes things seem more in perspective.  God has the answers to our problems.  Heaven will bring the end to these problems.  Who will we meet there?  What will it be like to spend eternity with those that we know here?  What will it be like where (I assume) there is no cultural difference, no language difference, where nobody gives a hoot about skin color (or calls you a "blan")?  Where you don't have to second guess the relationships you have and wonder what someone really thinks.

We need your prayers.  The hospital needs your prayers.  These "tough situations" need your prayers.  Thank you for those prayers!